It's COLD. Guard Your Family Jewels

Dude.  It’s cold.  Like friggin cold.  I know, I know – it’s January – I’m not in Florida, Southern California or Hawaii, what should I expect? (ps. did I miss anywhere in the U.S. that isn’t freezing right now? I think the South’s even still dealing with their fortnight-old 3 inches of snow.  [Really guys? grab a shovel and some Morton’s and have at]) Global warming my ass.  It’s frackin’ FREEZING.  Today, as I was trudging through pelting freezing rain, I got a text from a friend who was in town for the past couple weeks and just got back to L.A. – the text read as follows “Long Beach. Clear skies. Nice breeze. Temp of about 75 degrees.”  My response? “Bite Me.”

Oh – how freezing weather brings out the best in us – our polite language surfaces and the most proper, elegant and descriptive of phrases emerge.  Which leads us to:

“I’m freezing my balls off”

Oh, how oft I’ve heard this mellifluous phrase in the past few weeks.  How oft, in fact, I’ve uttered it myself – and I possess no testicles to be threatened by such a cruel fate!  

Oh from whence did this charming saying emerge?

It seems that this was most likely borne out of the saying “Cold enough to freeze the balls of a brass monkey” (Uh …. Huh?)

There seems to be much heated debate between etymologists and academics alike over the source of this expression. (No, really. Debate.  Heated Debate.  About to have a Knife Fight Debate.) 

The rumor is that this phrase came from (wait for it) our seafaring brethren (shocker) from days of yore - something to do with cannonballs and vessels called monkeys and metal contracting in cold weather - but this now seems to be heavily refuted (Ha! You can’t win em all, Nautical Reference).  

What does NOT seem to be refuted by everyone is that the original phrase, as first recorded in 1857 in the journals of sixteen year old Syracuse resident, Charles Augustus Abbey (who would, ironically, go on to BECOME a seafaring man some 8 years later) was in fact that it was cold enough to “freeze the tail off a brass monkey”.  As the years went on, well, other parts of that poor, leprous monkey began to drop.  And, by the latter half of last century, well that affliction had finally reached us. 

Ah our amazing gift with words.  The way we change them with time. 

Start with a metaphor and a coy hint at slight indecency.

Keep the metaphor, replace the coy hint with a blatant less-than-tactful declaration.

Lose the metaphor, keep the declaration, add profanity for emphasis.

Cold enough to freeze the tail off a brass monkey.

Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.

I’m freezing my fucking balls off.

Yeah yeah yeah.  Different standards, different times, different norms.  But I must admit, I do miss a bit of metaphor and a sly dash of innuendo from time to time – just to keep the mind fresh. 

Oh the other hand – fuck it!  It’s too fucking cold for higher brain functions.  I’m gonna go watch E! .