It's COLD. Guard Your Family Jewels

Dude.  It’s cold.  Like friggin cold.  I know, I know – it’s January – I’m not in Florida, Southern California or Hawaii, what should I expect? (ps. did I miss anywhere in the U.S. that isn’t freezing right now? I think the South’s even still dealing with their fortnight-old 3 inches of snow.  [Really guys? grab a shovel and some Morton’s and have at]) Global warming my ass.  It’s frackin’ FREEZING.  Today, as I was trudging through pelting freezing rain, I got a text from a friend who was in town for the past couple weeks and just got back to L.A. – the text read as follows “Long Beach. Clear skies. Nice breeze. Temp of about 75 degrees.”  My response? “Bite Me.”

Oh – how freezing weather brings out the best in us – our polite language surfaces and the most proper, elegant and descriptive of phrases emerge.  Which leads us to:

“I’m freezing my balls off”

Oh, how oft I’ve heard this mellifluous phrase in the past few weeks.  How oft, in fact, I’ve uttered it myself – and I possess no testicles to be threatened by such a cruel fate!  

Oh from whence did this charming saying emerge?

It seems that this was most likely borne out of the saying “Cold enough to freeze the balls of a brass monkey” (Uh …. Huh?)

There seems to be much heated debate between etymologists and academics alike over the source of this expression. (No, really. Debate.  Heated Debate.  About to have a Knife Fight Debate.) 

The rumor is that this phrase came from (wait for it) our seafaring brethren (shocker) from days of yore - something to do with cannonballs and vessels called monkeys and metal contracting in cold weather - but this now seems to be heavily refuted (Ha! You can’t win em all, Nautical Reference).  

What does NOT seem to be refuted by everyone is that the original phrase, as first recorded in 1857 in the journals of sixteen year old Syracuse resident, Charles Augustus Abbey (who would, ironically, go on to BECOME a seafaring man some 8 years later) was in fact that it was cold enough to “freeze the tail off a brass monkey”.  As the years went on, well, other parts of that poor, leprous monkey began to drop.  And, by the latter half of last century, well that affliction had finally reached us. 

Ah our amazing gift with words.  The way we change them with time. 

Start with a metaphor and a coy hint at slight indecency.

Keep the metaphor, replace the coy hint with a blatant less-than-tactful declaration.

Lose the metaphor, keep the declaration, add profanity for emphasis.

Cold enough to freeze the tail off a brass monkey.

Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.

I’m freezing my fucking balls off.

Yeah yeah yeah.  Different standards, different times, different norms.  But I must admit, I do miss a bit of metaphor and a sly dash of innuendo from time to time – just to keep the mind fresh. 

Oh the other hand – fuck it!  It’s too fucking cold for higher brain functions.  I’m gonna go watch E! .

New Years Borne Out of Befuddlement. That Pesky Auld Lang Syne

Happy 2011!  Hoping all had a fantastic New Year’s and that any hastily, or thoughtfully, made resolutions haven’t quite been abandoned just yet….

I had, what I assume is, a very common New Year’s Eve experience.  Gathered with friends, champagne, watched the ball drop, and muddled through the ol’ ditty “Auld Lang Syne”.  Twas a giant, enthusiastic, tipsy group sing that came out a little like this:

“May old acquaintance be forgot.

And (mumbling) mmm –mm  something something mind/find/hind/shined/twined (????)

May –  (less sure mumbling) hmmm uh – quantinance all for not

And Old Lane Sign.

(now, with conviction)

Oh Old Lane Sign, my dear.

Or Old Lane Sign.

For something, something – oh my dear

And Old Lane Sign”

And repeat ad nauseum.

I’m sure you get the picture and have even experienced this.  Everyone sort of tries random guessed-at words in the actual English section and then gets all loud, rousing, festive for “Auld Lang Syne” (as if to say Horray!  We KNOW this part!)  It’s like a rendition of happy birthday at a large corporate office when you get to “Happy Birthday, dear ???? ” that “????” is always fraught with disaster but the final “Happy Birthday to you” seems, more or less, to bring a mild sense of redemption.

Got me thinking.  Auld Lang Syne is so ubiquitous this time of year.  Everyone knows it (er, well, part of it).  But no one REALLY knows it.  I mean, what does it mean? Where’d it come from?  Why is it so synonymous with New Year’s?

And, as I’ve been meaning to start up a blog, and am constantly saying “sure, but why?” to everything, like a precocious and oh so utterly irritating child – I decided that it was time to investigate.  So upon consultation with the oracle, the most infallible of sources, the Internet, here’s what I found …

Auld Lang Syne actually comes from a poem taken down in the late 18^th Century by Scottish poet Robert Burns (you may remember his poem A Red Red Rose from studying examples of simile in high school English class) – Burns transcribed this song, an old song of old times which had never been in print, from an elderly man and sent a copy to the Scots Musical Museum.  It was in print in songbooks in the mid 19^th Century, became a custom in Scotland, spread over to the British Isles and eventually spread to the rest of the world.  Beyond that, who knows where it originally came from, but Auld Lang Syne roughly translates to “in days gone by” or “long, long ago” – a touching, contemplative sentiment for any new beginning.  Things must be inevitably be lost as time marches forward, but thanks to Burns and others Auld Lang Syne doesn’t seem to be going anywhere anytime soon.

Burns’ original poem is below.  Granted – I must admit with some of those lyrics, especially as you approach the end, what can you do but murmur and mumble and hope for the best …

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,


And never brought to min’?


Should auld acquaintance be forgot,


And days o’lang syne?



We twa hae run about the braes,


And pu'd the gowans fine;


But we've wander’d monie a weary fit


Sin' auld lang syne.



We twa hae paidled i' the burn,


Frae mornin’ sun till dine;


But seas between us braid hae roar’d


Sin' auld lang syne.



And there's a hand, my trusty fiere,


And gie's a hand o' thine!


And we'll tak a right guid-willie waught



For auld lang syne.



And surely ye'll be your pint-stowp,


And surely I'll be mine!


And we'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,


For auld lang syne.



For auld lang syne, my dear,


For auld lang syne,


We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,


For auld lang syne.



While the song has yet to be lost to posterity, I think the phrase “guid-willie waught” is definitely on its way out.  But who knows, maybe we can bring it back.  Next time you’re out with friends throw it out there “Hey bro, wanna grab a guid-willie waught.  My bar finder app says there’s a spot with $2 P.B.R.s and free WiFi next door”.  Oh yes, how it mellifluously rolls off the tongue, I can already feel it starting to regain its rightful place in the vernacular.

Happy 2011 everyone!